Well I've taken a long break from writing in the blog. Not because I don't like it, but I've just been super busy with other things. However, I'm finally graduated and hopefully I'll be writing more often than just once a week too! I'm not sure why, but it gives me a fulfilling feeling to write on our blog.
I've found that this week was really hard for me, which seems silly when I think about it. Ben started school, as well as working both his jobs. I on the other hand don't have a job or school to think about. I felt so useless (and still do sometimes)! On top of not having anything to do, I was very sick this week, so I didn't even do housewife stuff like laundry and dishes and cooking. Talk about being bored out of my mind.
I don't like not having anything that I can work towards (heaven help us when Ben retires!), because I feel like there is no purpose in my life. Sure, I can read books and take naps, but in the end, there is nothing really driving me to something bigger and better. I finally had a bit of a break down and cried to Ben about how stagnant I felt. He (as always) was a huge help. We talked about things I could do to feel that I was moving forward with life, but that didn't make me feel better about what had happened. I was still upset that I had become an emotionless bump on a log for the last 4 days, and I was beating myself up for not having done better.
Of course, there was nothing I could do about what had already happened...there never is. Even though I knew what I needed to do to feel better in the future, all I could think about was how horrible I had done in the past. When Ben realized that that was why I was crying he did a really great job of explaining something to me. What he taught me is that God wants us to look forward to what is coming next, and not to dwell on our past mistakes and beat ourselves up for them. Of course, it is essential to recognize when we've made a mistake so that we don't repeat it, and so that we can try to mend any relationships our mistakes might have damaged (most importantly our relationship with God). However, once we have corrected our mistake/realized what we need to do differently, we need to look forward.
There is someone else at work who doesn't want you or me to move forward. In Christianity we call him Satan, others might call it simply the opposing forces of the universe. Whatever or whomever you refer to this force as, his goal is always the same: he wants to stop us from progressing. If he can get us to focus on how horrible we have done, we will never have the courage to try to do better. If he makes us think about how horribly we do all the time, then we will believe that we are bad at whatever it is, and are incapable of getting it right. This is a lie. God doesn't create failures. He made you with the potential to succeed in anything you set your mind to! That doesn't mean you will succeed on the first try - you shouldn't expect to. What it means is that you should never stop trying, because with each attempt you will get better.
I'm very grateful to know that even though I make mistakes, I can do it right. I can do anything right! I just have to stop counting how many times I've fallen down, and simply resolve to always get back up and try again. I know that God didn't create me or you so that we could be failures. He wants us to be champions at whatever we set our minds to do! He wants us to be happy, I know He does.